I bought something silly

I finally have it, the most expensive key I've ever bought.
After a morning of stress, too many phone calls for my liking and a meltdown at the discount fruits in the supermarket...

...I got THE call!
Then I cried some more. After that I called Hubby and walked to pick up the key.
Then there was more hassle and more phone calls. But eventually they had to believe that little old, cried out, babywearing hippy me had indeed just finished buying a house. They tossed me my beautiful key with a "Good luck with it!" and I hopped out.

My darling friend took one of those pictures I will treasure forever.
I am holding up the key looking stressed, relieved, happy, sad, triumphant, delighted and all grown up all at once, wearing my sleeping toddler in her legacy wrap. It is the perfect picture to capture what I did, how I did it and who it was all done for.

Hubby came back early, the whole family celebrated with some lunch and then we drove out to the house. The kids had a great time running through the house, enjoying the echo of dancing feet in an empty house and picking flowers. We also saw some snails, spiders and a lone ladybug. Turns out Captain can figure out how to open giant gates in a matter of minutes. Also, she loves exploring in long grass and is fearless when it comes to bugs, climbing (everywhere) and is fond of turf.
Mr. Buttons took great pictures and videos, fell into nettles and climbed over the gate numerous times.

I can't wait to watch the house turn into our home.

Finally

It's finally ours!

I have never been this happy about not having any money,

but today I celebrate.

I was terrified while I waited for the bank to open.

I was terrified in the bank, as the inexperienced bank employee had to go and ask for help.

("What's happening? Is the money not there?" went my poor brain)

I was very relived when he handed me the slips saying I no longer had money. Or a savings account. Or crippling fear, as I would call it.

I had to wait all day for the solicitors appointment, but luckily my friend kept me sane.

Now I will have a cup of coffee and chocolate, followed by a hot shower, if I'm lucky enough.

Because that's how mamas party...

Silent Sunday

Things that go bump

Today has been stressful to a point where I've been flattened onto the sofa with a migraine.

Poor little Captain fell down the stairs this morning, and I saw it in slow motion. She was going down with Hubby and Mr. Buttons, but they went on ahead. I was upstairs folding washing and must have heard a noise, because I turned and saw her tumbling down.

I have never been so scared in my whole life.

I ran down, Hubby ran towards her from downstairs and caught her before she hit the floor. She cried and I held her until she calmed down, while throwing on my clothes with the other hand. Captain wanted porridge fingers and had a little walk around, which helped put my mind at ease a bit, but with a bump like that nothing really makes a mama completely calm. Mr. Buttons of course didn't handle his sister's crying all too well, and getting him to get ready felt like months. I managed to keep my shit together through that, and the wait at the emergency department. Through my little woman being terrified at the nurse and doctor looking at her in the middle of all the weird, beeping machines. Through her getting home and having a nap, through watching her like a hawk to make sure she's still breathing. Then we had to go to town, and that was very nearly the last straw for me. So I went for a coffee, just to sit down. And ended up meeting a mama I have briefly chatted to at different groups. She was by herself, while her son napped, and asked us to join her. Then another mama friend came in and sat with us too. I ended up pouring my heart out to them, and got so much warmth and support I actually cried a bit. And then we chatted and laughed, which I didn't think was going to be possible after the morning we'd had. Captain played with their boys and then we left to pick up Mr. Buttons.

Outside the school we met Hubby, who walked across the road to meet us with a very strange expression. I thought he was still in shock after someone drove into the back of his car after he'd dropped Mr. Buttons to school, until he said: "So, I told them my wife would be in tomorrow to pay the booking deposit, if that suits her... Sale agreed!"

I'm trying very hard not to get excited, seeing as we've done this dance before.
But Hubby's optimistic, superstitious mumblings of "Third time lucky, and two wrongs make a right" are starting to wear down my cynical realism.
So tomorrow we view Potential Home for the second time...
In the meantime, I'm off to prod my sleeping daughter to make sure she responds in her usual manner to being woken up. The doctor's notes referred to clutching a teddy or pulling up a blanket. In our case it'll be milk and snuggles, which are probably the best medicine for both of us after today's adventures...

Love is...

...filling in forms for your husband and writing letters to describe how ASD has shaped our family's life in the past few years, when he can't find the words.

I don't know if he understands how hard it was for me, for many reasons.
It's not nice easy for him to acknowledge these things, when it's his son wrapped up in medical terminology . His perfect baby, who saved his life eight years ago.
When someone is saying he's different, and in turn society says there is something wrong.
When he has to face all the things  we're not able to give him or just can't afford at the moment. When he's wondering, should he have somehow know before the diagnosis.
When he's blaming himself for so much.

I don't blame him for forgetting I love Mr. Buttons too.

On some level it was therapeutic too, like someone listened to how this feels for me, which had made it easier being able to support Hubby too.

So, with a calmer, clearer head, I wait to hear news about the latest squeeze in house form.
On my side, it was love at first sight...

Back to the drawing board

In three days I've gone from delight to despair, all thanks to one man and his greed.
On Monday I got the call we'd been waiting for. My solicitors office rang and said the contract was finally there, waiting to be signed.
We made an appointment for Tuesday.
When we got there, the amount on the contract was wrong. By half.
Now, the vendor had asked me about this before and I'd told him I had no interest in his way of dealing with things. I just wanted to buy our home and live in there happily ever after, safely and untouched by someone else's stupid decisions.

He obviously had not actually been asking, but merely telling me how he was going to deal with things. Hubby went to the auctioneer and told him we wanted the right contracts and to be done with this, after the four month wait. That evening the vendor rang Hubby and told him it was either his way or no way. I went into shock. My mother-in-law rang Hubby to celebrate and ended up hearing very different news instead. They instantly arrived to talk to us and help us make sense of the situation. This was the first time I let my defenses down in front of them. I just cried and cried. I cried for myself for losing out on the quite possibly last change to be able to buy a home for my family. I cried for Hubby, who had been already working on fixing our home in his mind. I cried for our kids, who lost out on having a better life, where paying for a five-euro art class isn't under question and food budget is more than 40 euro a week. I cried for my mom, who wanted nothing more than to see me settled and never got the chance to help out like she had planned. I cried out of anger for the fat cats' greed that leaves young families unable to buy a home, even when they have worked hard and saved the money to buy something outright. The corruption, dishonesty and unfairness of it all, all came pouring out.

I woke up with a throat that is barely open enough for breathing.
Got back on property search sites.
Tried all day to stay cheerful for Captain's sake.
Helped Mr. Buttons with homework.
And crashed when feeding Captain to sleep.
Had a nap and woke up few hours later to guests having a jam in the kitchen.
I just can't face anyone right now.

On Friday we view yet another house.

How many times can I start all over again?